The Random, Crazy, Insane Tales of the Dark Lord
by modernxxmyth
Summary: Full title: The Random, Crazy, Completely Insane Tales of the Dark Lord, Voldemort. What happenes when Voldemort is cast into the muggle society for six months, with no magic? He goes insane, of course! Incorporates Star Wars and Lord of the Rings.
1. Poof!

**A/N:** Hey there! I'm back and bearing more fanfiction. This is going to be a short fic, but not a one-shot, so expect a few more chapters. This is…um…like _completely_ different than any of my other fics, so don't come here expecting what you're used to from me. It's…_interesting_…to say the least. Haha. Wow. I think you could have gathered that from the title. This first chapter will probably confuse you a bit, but there's going to be a new POV next chapter which will explain quite a bit. Okay…so…this is going to get a bit crazy. On with the story!...be afraid. Be_ very _afraid.

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Harry Potter. Or Star Wars. Or Lord of the Rings. I swear. Yeah, I know it's pretty sad, but we're all just going to have to get over it, now aren't we? tear Okay then.

_**The Random, Crazy, Completely Insane Tales of the Dark Lord, Voldemort**_

**Chapter One**

Lord Voldemort walked swiftly up the path-way, leading the Hogwarts gates. He was cackling maniacally, and staring distractedly at his hand for no apparent reason. Suddenly, he gasped.

"Oh dear!" he exclaimed. "I forgot to put in my colored contacts! Oh, what would Lord Vader say? I'm so ashamed," he mumbled. Lord Voldemort's Death Eater's looked at him as though he was completely insane.

But, oh no, Lord Voldemort was not insane! _Of course not_! He didn't understand how anyone could think that, when he had been working so hard lately, searching desperately for the ring that would give him power. It would make the ultimate horcrux and the ultimate weapon to kill Potter with. In the mean time, Voldemort was content with practicing his new lightsaber spell.

Lucius Malfoy had learned a year earlier about the Dark Lord's obsession with the supposed Sith and had looked into it, only to shockingly discover that it didn't exist at all and was actually just part of the popular muggle film series, _Star Wars_. He then looked into the ring his master had been searching so desperately for, and realized sadly that it was another figment of the Dark Lord's imagination from a muggle book series, _The Lord of the Rings._ When Lucius had expressed his concerns to Lord Voldemort, the Dark Lord took extreme offence in the thought of one of his Death Eater's thinking him crazy. He had killed Malfoy instantly. It seemed, because of this incident, his "loyal" Death Eater's continued to follow him, despite his complete insanity, out of fear.

But, oh no, Lord Voldemort could not possibly be insane!

Voldemort sighed sadly at the thought, and muttered something about completely forgetting to put in his yellow-colored contacts in order to have eyes just like his hero, Darth Vader, had in what seemed was the newest installment of the Star Wars saga. _No,_ Voldemort thought, _They're not films! It is real. Lord Vader is my hero. He uses his hatred so well! I should be more like him._ When Bellatrix Lestrange had mentioned to him that Vader had ended up good in the end, Voldemort had broke down in tears. But then, he realized, instead, he could just kill her! And so he did.

Voldemort didn't care what they said.

He wasn't crazy.

The Sith were real, along with the ring.

And with that thought, Lord Voldemort looked up from his hand just in time to notice the Hogwarts gate in front of him as he ran into it clumsily. Voldemort raised his wand angry and blew the gate out of the way.

"What spell was that?" one of his Death Eater's asked timidly.

"It wasn't a spell! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? I USE THE FORCE! I DON'T USE MAGIC ANYMORE! MAGIC IS FOR WIZARDS! I AM A SITH LORD!" With that Voldemort killed the Death Eater and then smiled at himself at his wonderful accomplishment.

The Dark Lord began to skip merrily along the pavement, leading up to the castle, his companions lagging behind. Voldemort whipped out his wand once more and suddenly cast the Dark Mark above the castle.

"Ooh, fun!" he shouted gleefully as the Death Eater's did nothing but stare at him.

Suddenly, purple smoke appeared all around, clouding everyone's vision and POOF! Albus Dumbledore appeared in front of the Dark Lord. He was a gigantic blue shimmer, and rather transparent.

"YOU'RE DEAD!" Voldemort exclaimed in shock.

"I know," Dumbledore replied coolly. "I have transcended! You are not the only one who knows the ways of the Force!"

Voldemort gasped. "No!" he shrieked. "JEDI SCUM!"

Dumbledore shrugged, "I prefer the term wizard, thank you very much."

Voldemort scowled.

The transparent Dumbledore sighed. "You never will change, now will you, Tom?"

The Dark Lord was shooting the old, dead man daggers. "I like me just the way I am, thank you very much!" he shouted, flailing his arms about.

"Suit yourself, Tom," Dumbledore spoke briskly, "But in the end, you _will_ have to pay the price."

"SHUT-UP, OLD FOOL! Just SHUT-UP!" And with that, Voldemort covered his ears with his hands and started shouting at the top of his lungs "I'm not listening to you! I'm not listening to you!"

Dumbledore sighed, waved good-bye to his ex-student, and disappeared with another purple POOF!

A/N: Next time you all get some answers. R&R please! Thanks.


	2. The Truth

**A/N: **Oh, yes. I'm back. Sorry it took so long, but I had lots of homework the past few days. It's now about 1:00am, and I decided to get some writing done as I study for my Biology test that I'm taking tomorrow morning. I could really use some caffeine right now. Starbucks would be nice. I really like Starbucks. It's like…amazingly great. Starbucks shows that there is still good in the world! (It's totally the polar opposite of Voldemort) Okay, so maybe it doesn't do that much, but it's still amazingly great. Yeah, you should have some too. Wow, okay I'm seriously rambling now, so…on with the story! By the way, the POV changes in this chapter.

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Harry Potter, nor do I own Star Wars, or Lord of the Rings. Those belong to JK Rowling, George Lucas, and JRR Tolkien. Oh, and I don't own Starbucks either, incase you didn't figure that out.

**Chapter Two**

Ivan Moorhouse, a Death Eater standing among the group, watched the Dark Lord in pity. _The man is hallucinating again_, he thought sadly as he watched Lord Voldemort chat animatedly with nothing but thin air. Ivan had watched many a time when Voldemort would do something odd like this. He remembered the good old days, when the Dark Lord had been sane and had used intelligence in his plots against Potter, but that had all ended when he had been banished temporarily into the muggle world, the previous summer….

Ivan guessed that was when his insanity began to dwindle. At the beginning of the summer, just after Dumbledore's death, there had been another battle, and Voldemort had attacked Potter. But, sadly, the boy had somehow learned of a new, powerful spell. He had cast it upon the Dark Lord, banishing him to the muggle world for many months. The spell also kept Lord Voldemort from using magic while he was there, and so, the Dark Lord was forced to live like a muggle for several months. During his stay in the muggle lands, Voldemort had somehow gotten ahold of the Star Wars saga, and the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Ivan didn't know how he had gotten them, but he definitely had. It seemed that the Dark Lord spent all his time with the muggles watching his Star Wars tapes and reading Lord of the Rings. He completely idolized Darth Vader, and it seemed that after watching it for so long and so often, he lost sight of reality. He decidedly started calling himself a Dark Lord of the Sith after that. Soon there after, while still living as a muggle, he became addicted to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He read the books day and night, night and day (when he wasn't watching Star Wars, of course). Soon after, he lost sight of reality with that too. He yearned terribly for the ring of power, thinking it would be perfect to ensure the destruction of Harry Potter and make a fine, powerful horcrux.

Ivan sighed as he watched the sight in front of him. It seemed that the Dark Lord was now supposedly seeing Albus Dumbledore, who had died a few months previously to the hands of Death Eater Severus Snape. There was nothing there, of course, but Voldemort seemed to think so. It was just another one of the many delusions he had developed over the course of his insanity.

Dumbledore was not there.

Star Wars isn't real.

Lord of the Rings is not real.

Voldemort was not a Sith Lord.

Nor was there a Ring of Power for him to get.

And no, Voldemort's lightsaber spell doesn't work, either.

**A/N: **Yeah, I know the chapter is like insanely short, but I wanted to get it up for you guys to read, so…yeah. Here you go. I think the rest of the fic is going to be from Voldy's perspective, but there could be an instance where you get a Death Eater's perspective so that you guys can learn the truth. No, Dumbledore isn't really there, lol. It _is_ all in Voldy's mind, as fun as it would be for it to be real. Anyways, please review! The more reviews I get, the faster I tend to update!


	3. The Infamous Rock

**A/N:** Hey there. Yeah, I'm back. Sorry it took so long, but I got season one of Lost on DVD finally…so I've been pretty much camping out in my media room for 2 weeks.

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Harry Potter. I don't own Star Wars. I don't own Lord of the Rings. But I'd trade Jo any day of the week for the rights to Harry Potter for the rights to my Biology homework. It makes me sad that it'll never happen.

**Chapter Three**

Voldemort let out a squeal as the blue-shimmered, hazy force-ghost of Albus Dumbledore disappeared in a big purple puff of fog and smoke. "Oh dear," the Dark Lord muttered, "Well, that didn't go over well."

He still could not believe that Dumbledore also knew the ways of the Force! How could there possibly be more Jedi? The Jedi were extinct! But there was still that little nagging voice in the back of his mind saying _"Except for Skywalker…Lord Vader's son, the Jedi, remains alive…"_ Lord Voldemort shuddered. He often found his thoughts drifting to Skywalker…the threat of the boy remained looming in the atmosphere even now. And if he were to ever join forces with Potter….

The thought alone gave Lord Voldemort the chills.

The Dark Lord pushed the thoughts from his mind and continued to stalk forward with a purpose. He was at Hogwarts! He had a job to do! Voldemort smiled to himself as he tripped clumsily over a rock in the middle of the path. "CURSE YOU, ROCK! I shall poke you now with my SPORK!" And suddenly, for reasons unknown to all those around, Voldemort suddenly pulled a plastic spork out of his robes, and began to violently attack the rock with it.

And it seemed the rock was winning.

The Death Eaters sighed audibly. Suddenly one random Death Eater shouted out, to the rest of the group: "EXECUTE ORDER 66!" And on that note, all the Death Eaters ran from the Dark Lord as fast as they could, desperately attempting to escape his pure, unadulterated insanity.

Voldemort screamed. _"Not Order 66! AAAHHHHHHHH!" _Suddenly the Dark Lord was running in circles around the rock, flailing his arms about, screaming like a six-year-old girl.

No…scratch that. A six-year-old girl would be more mature than Voldemort was at that moment.

Through his desperation and running around in circles, the Dark Lord once again tripped on the infamous rock that he had lost a battle with earlier. "OW!" he exclaimed. "Curse you, you horrible rock!"

Voldemort fixed an evil glare at the rock. "You want some of this?" he asked the inanimate object. "Huh? Huh? Do ya!"

But sadly, the rock never answered the highly disturbed dark wizard.

And then, of course, came the pouting.

Voldemort pouted. And pouted. And pouted. Then, he started to scream at the rock some more. But when it still remained silent, he began to pout some more. He pouted continuously for a very long time, as he sat there at the Hogwarts gates. And then, suddenly, he realized, that he was there for a reason.

To attack Hogwarts!

But how was he to do that with all his Death Eater's gone?

The world may never know.

**A/N: **Reviews are freakishly appreciated. Please. Just press the little blue button. As long as it doesn't say "Execute" on it. And no, you probably wouldn't get it.


	4. Sith Saber

**A/N:** Yay! I don't remember who it was, but whoever you are that understood what I was talking about with the "Execute" button (yes, it was a "Lost" reference), go you! Okay…so…yeah. I'm back. And writing English commentaries. But I need a break, therefore, I am writing this, instead. I find it much more enjoyable, thank you very much. Okay then, on with the story, I suppose.

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Harry Potter. I don't own Star Wars. I don't own Lord of the Rings. I also don't own Lost, because I could very easily allude to that at random times. In the writing or just in random author's notes. I'm just _that_ awesome.

**Chapter Four**

Voldemort began to plot on what exactly to do next, but then noticed something on the ground and got distracted. "OOH! SHINY OBJECT!" It was the spork he had been referring to earlier. Or was it? Voldemort couldn't exactly remember because once more, he was distracted by something else. "MORE ROCKS! Oh, no, no, no, not more rocks!" Voldemort ran away and into the gates again. _Oh yes, aren't I supposed to be in there?_ he thought.

So the Dark Lord bounced on inside, through the conveniently unlocked gates. Upon entrance, he immediately burst into maniacal laughter, "Muahahahahaha! Hahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Voldemort doubled over with laughter.

He was finally beginning to calm down when POOF! Harry Potter appeared in front of him.

"POTTER!" Voldemort screeched.

Harry sighed, annoyed. "Do I _really_ have to deal with your insanity today, Tom?" he questioned.

"Why, yes!" the Dark Lord replied, in a goofily threatening tone, "I believe you do! And _this_ time you won't escape! My powers have doubled since we last met, Potter."

Harry blinked, bewildered. "Um…_right_."

"I have constructed myself a Sith saber," Voldemort continued, "I have become _INVINCIBLE_!"

Once again, Harry spoke. "Um…_right_."

And with that, Voldemort pulled out his wand and screamed, "_Igntle Aberse!_" A thin, meak beam of red light shot out of Voldemort's wand. "SUFFER THE WRATH OF MY LIGHTSABER!" he shouted, insanely.

Harry blinked again. "K," he replied simply. He whipped out his wand, but then realized what he was doing, and put it back away. He wouldn't even need a want to finish this job….It would probably be _that_ easy.

**A/N:** I live off of reviews. No, really, I do. Sorry the chapter was insanely short. That's just how this fic is. If you're looking for long chapters, go read Winter Break at the Weasley's or Harry Potter and the Lost Prophecy. Or Lost in Darkness, for that matter. But that one's only a one-shot. It's probably my favorite. Either that, or Making it Through. But that fic's for Lost, so I don't know if any of you guys watch that show (except for that one person that rocks and knew what I was talking about with the execute button). Anyways, as usual, I'm rambling, therefore, you should just go and skip ahead to the reviewing. ;-)


	5. Delayed Duels

**A/N:** K, so like here's another chapter. Sorry I take so long with these things all the time. I just seem to be lacking in the inspiration department. But don't worry, I'll eventually finish it. All in due time. I tend to write fanfiction for lots of things, so it's not like this is all I'm writing. I write fanfiction for Harry Potter, Star Wars, Lost, Friends, and Dawson's Creek. A little bit of Grey's Anatomy, too. Then there's the novel-length story I'm writing. And all the poetry. Plus my homework. And then I have to work. And go to school of course. So…I'm busy often. Hence why it takes me ages to update! Yeah, I'm rambling as usual. Here's the chapter.

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Harry Potter. I don't own Star Wars. I don't own Lord of the Rings. You know the deal.

**Chapter Five – Delayed Duels**

"SUFFER MY WRATH, FRODO!" Voldemort screamed.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "What, is that, my new nickname or something?"

"Indeed, it is. But that is beside the point. You are here to SUFFER MY WRATH! Fear my lightsaber, Baggins!" Voldemort waved his wand, and the thin beam of red light moved with it, like a laser pointer. Or perhaps it _was_ a laser pointer. Who knew?

"Who the bloody hell is Baggins?' Harry asked.

Voldemort let out a sigh and lowered his wand for a moment. "Baggins is Frodo's last name. Haven't you heard of him? He's quite a git, and he has my ring."

"Your ring?" Harry asked critically.

"Haven't you heard?" Voldemort said cockily, "I'm going to get the ring. THE RING OF _POWER!_ It shall make the ultimate horcrux. ULTIMATE POWER!" Voldemort flinched and muttered, "My precious."

Harry blinked. "Okay then. So you want to continue this duel or whatever now?"

"Aiight," the Dark Lord replied, giving a short nod and dropping one shoulder, trying to look like a gangster.

Harry blinked again. "You're an interesting one, now-a-days, you know that?"

"Yeah, actually I do," he replied. "I find myself entertaining. Don't you? Once I have ultimate power, I intend on taking over Broadway. I've always wanted to visit New York…" he spoke wistfully now. "It sounds amazing."

Harry giggled.

"WHAT WAS THAT! ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME? No one makes fun of me. I AM THE DARK LORD!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot," Harry rolled his eyes, "I'm sorry, _oh so powerful_ one. 'Cause you could totally dominate me and everything." Harry disguised a laugh as a cough. "Anyway, weren't we dueling?"

"Indeed, we were. Why?" Voldemort asked stupidly.

"Why do you think, Tom?" Harry questioned with obvious exasperation.

"I really don't know. Hold on, Potter. Let me become one with the force. It will lead me to the answer."

The Dark Lord closed his eyes and remained silent in the now placid atmosphere. After about five minutes of this, Harry started getting annoyed.

"What is the force telling you, Tom?"

Voldemort's eyes snapped open, and he stared at Harry in silence for a moment. "It's telling me you look sexy in green." He spoke with complete seriousness.

Harry winced. "You're really creepy, you know that?"

"That was always the goal," Voldemort replied, "Why else would I go for the red eyes?"

Harry shrugged. "I always assumed it was some sort of fashion statement."

"No, not quite. I was always going for that whole, psychotic, creepy look to scare people into service. They're all gone now, of course. The executed Order 66." Voldemort shook his head sadly.

"Your Death Chompers are gone?"

"Yeah, they exectuted Order 66. Like I just said. Don't you have ears?"

"If I didn't, would I know what you had just said?" Harry questioned.

Voldemort replied, "Well I don't know, can you read lips?"

Harry shook his head.

"Then no," said Voldemort. "I suppose you have ears. You're just stupid."

"Look who's talking," Harry muttered.

There was silence for a moment.

"Are we done here?" Voldemort asked. "Because I've got things to do. People to see. Rings to get. And I think I'm going to try and recruit Yoda to the dark side. I can be very persuasive."

Harry shot him a perplexed look. "No, we're _not_ done. I still have to kill you. All that 'Neither can live while the other survives' crap. Remember?"

"Vaguely," came the reply. "But I'll kill you first. I SWEAR!"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Yeah, _sure_. Have fun trying."

"Oh, I definitely will!" the Dark Lord squealed excitedly.

And for Voldemort, it all went downhill from there.


	6. Issues

**A/N:** Hola. Sorry it's taken me so long to update. I got grounded from the computer for a while because of my English grade. You'd think all the fanfiction would help with that, but _no._ Actually, it was just because I got C's on all the vocab quizzes and failed the vocab test. Other than that, my grades were awesome in the class. Anyway, I'm ungrounded now—ish. Eh. On probation or some crap, I guess. Then my laptop broke, but I'm not even going to START that conversation…And now it's time for you to read the continuation of this randomly brilliant fic. I find the notion that I have nearly the most reviews of any of mine for this fic, when it's the one I just sort of…write. I mean, I had a basic concept idea for it, but I have no idea what I'm sticking in each chapter until I write. I do know the ending though, no need to worry. It's just as entertaining as ever. Anyway, my guess is that you'll probably get another good three chapters or so out of me until this baby's complete. Maybe even up to ten. Okay, rambling ends now. I guess.

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Harry Potter. I don't own Star Wars. I don't own Lord of the Rings. But I totally own you.

**Chapter Six – Issues**

"Alright, we've waited long enough, Potter. It's time to duel," Voldemort stated.

"Isn't that what I've been saying all along?" Harry asked.

"Oh, is _that_ what you were saying? I thought you said you wanted to _drool_! I was just thinking, well go right ahead, Potter, you don't see me stopping you!"

Harry looked repulsed. "You have issues."

"I saw a shrink once," the Dark Lord began, "She ran away screaming."

Harry sighed. "Then what happened?"

"I killed her, naturally."

"And how does that make you feel?" Harry asked, for the sake of annoying him.

Voldemort looked down, looking oddly emo. "Well it was really hard at first…WAIT! MY SHRINK USED TO ASK ME THAT QUESTION! YOU MUST BE CHANNELING HER SPIRIT! It's the force."

"Yes, because that makes _perfect_ sense," Harry replied.

"Indeed."

"Right-o, Tommy."

Voldemort pulled another emo face. "You called me Tommy, just like they used to in the orphanage. I hated that place, unless I was terrorizing little children with my special abilities. I would cry right now if I still had tear glands."

Harry blinked. "Right. So do you want to bloody duel now?"

"No drool?"

"No drool."

"Cool." Voldemort opened his mouth after giggling.

"Don't say it," said Harry.

"But it's true! It rhymed!"

"How absolutely wonderful," Harry commented. "Anyway. You remember how to duel right? You didn't forget?"

"Of course not," the Dark Lord said. "First we bow. Then we get our sabers at the ready. Then we duke it out all hardcore jedi-versus-sith-like."

Harry paused. "Yeah, something like that. Ready?"

"Yeah, sure. But where's the lava?"

Harry sighed. "What are you talking about _now_?"

"There's always lava. Always. With all good, epic fights. Lava. Everywhere. And cliffs all around. Sometimes people fall in it and get all burnt-up and get put in an awesome-looking, life-sustaining suit like my idol, and sometimes rings that would own as horcruxes fall in it and get destroyed, making me very sad. But there's always lava. You ready to head to Mustafar?"

"Yeah, sure, let me go grab my spaceship," said Harry, with sarcasm that would be evident to anyone, except for the Dark Lord.

"Dude, Harry. They're not called spaceships anymore. The names are way cooler now. There are so many, too! There are the Ty-Fighters, and the Star Fighters, and X-Wings, and _everything_!"

Harry sighed. "Go away."

"Oh, I'm sorry, is this a bad time?"

"Let just get this over with." Harry drew out his wand again, as Voldemort did the same. Voldemort ignited his "lightsaber" that looked like a laser-pointer.

The Dark Lord lunged toward him. "Time to die, Harry!"

Voldemort came toward him quickly, whipping his wand about, the little beam of red light moving back and forth as he moved. Finally he was within two feet of Harry, who simply stood there with one eyebrow raised. Voldemort made a quick slash with his "lightsaber" right through Harry's center…

"Well, I guess that takes care of that!" Voldemort exclaimed, a triumphant grin on his face.

Harry started at him. "Dude, nothing happened. I'm still here, incase you haven't noticed."

"Oh, crap."

**A/N: Today in Broadcast class I found out it takes an average of 252 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Oh, right. I had a point. Review! And maybe I'll give you a Tootsie Pop.**


	7. Smoke Monsters

**A/N: **Hola. I'm back! I've had a lot of computer trouble recently, along with state standardized tests to study for, so I'm sorry for the delay. Well...here's another random, crazy chapter. :-p

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Harry Potter. I don't own Star Wars. I don't own Lord of the Rings. I don't even own Lost, which is added temporarily to the chaos, in this chapter. But whatev. 'Cause I own this fanfic.

**Chapter 7**

"Right. So now that you understand you're useless, I'll beat your bloody brains out now," Harry stated.

"But this isn't _your _castle. This is _my_ castle!" Voldemort squeaked as he pulled out an awkward-looking curly fake beard and some theatrical glue.

"What the bloody hell are you talking about?" Harry ranted.

Voldemort sighed at Harry's ignorance. "I was making a sly reference to ABC's hit series, _Lost_. Channel Four, here in the U.K. You see, it's The Others' island. And you know what? One day I'm going to _find_ that island. And I'll have a good ol' cup-o-tea with that monster/security system/black smoke cloud. It's got mad skills I could use with all my hardcore Sith-ness."

"_Right._" Harry blinked. And he'd thought the Dark Lord couldn't get any weirder…

Apparently he was wrong.

"The monster owns me," Voldemort commented quietly.

"What?" Harry questioned.

The Dark Lord raged maniacally, a malicious smile upon his face. "Ask your dear old buddy Gandolf! Or your Dumbledore! Or Obi-Wan! Oh, oh, right, I must have forgotten, YOU CAN'T! THEY'RE ALRREADY DEAD! HA! ULTIMATE POWER IS IN MY REACH!"

Harry pasued, "But I thought Gandolf came back or something…"

Voldemort laughed loudly. "Gandolf comes back in any form the day my idol Darth Vader turns back to the side of the light, and in the process, destroys the Sith, balances the force, and saves his son's life by throwing Emperor Palpatine off a tower-like structure with several stories on a ship in space."

"That was oddly descriptive."

"Indeed," was Voldemort's reply. He blinked. "Yeah, okay. So anyway. Do you happen to have a spare lightsaber on you? Because apparently this one isn't working." He pulled out his wand and examined it closely. He then threw it into the lake.

Harry muttered, "Well, that fixes the Priori Incantatem issue."

"What's that?" the insane one asked.

"Nothing."

"Right," Voldemort continued, "so anyway, you got a spare saber, or what? 'Cause I want to battle."

"Why don't you check the toy store?" said Harry, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"LIGHTSABERS ARE NOT TOYS! HASBRO IS A JOKE! DO THESE LOOKS LIKE GOOD PRODUCTS TO _YOU_?" Voldemort reached into his robes and removed several items—all of which seemed to be plastic toy lightsabers of different shapes and sizes.

"Wow," Harry commented monotonously. "Wow."

Voldemort spoke with impassioned fury. "Yeah, I know! I searched everywhere and got so many types! I even tried the Jedi kind! BUT NONE WILL WORK!"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Well, who needs a lightsaber when you can have a smoke monster, right?"

"Good thought!" Harry rolled his eyes as Voldmort continued. "And now that you've finally become competent and started providing me with realistic idea, I think it's just about time that I KILL YOU!"

"'Kay. Go ahead and try."

"Oh, I certainly plan to."

* * *

**A/N: **Reviewers make the world go round. Oh, by the way, please feel free to check out my other fanfics! coughs loudly on an attempt to hide self-promotion So did it work?

-Laura


	8. Sith Lords, Aliens, and Muggle Weapons

**A/N: **And I'm back, more random chaos with me. Enjoy. Reviews feed my Muse!

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Harry Potter...or Star Wars...or Lord of the Rings...blah, blah, blah...

**Chapter 8**

Voldemort closed his eyes, with obvious deep concentration. To anyone watching, he knew he would seem odd. But Voldemort knew what he was doing. He was summoning the Force. If the wand thing wasn't going to work, then he needed another weapon. Lightsabers were apparently out of the question, as were any wizarding weapons. He was no longer a wizard. He was a Sith Lord. And as a Sith Lord, he only truly needed one weapon. And that weapon was the Force.

The Dark Lord could feel the Force gathering within him, swirling throughout him. Or maybe it was just indigestion. He couldn't be sure. Nevertheless, he continued in his meditation as Harry stared on, dumbfounded to knew levels. Voldemort felt something release within him, and his eyes snapped open, focusing on Harry immediately. The Force was with him. He was ready.

Harry looked disgusted. "What the bloody hell is that _smell_?"

"That, young padawan, is the smell of the Force."

Harry blinked, but said nothing. "Alright, this is getting annoying."

"So are you," Voldemort remarked, "But I put up with it, don't I?"

"Well, I'm not putting up with your rubbish anymore."

"IT'S NOT RUBBISH!" The Dark Lord shrieked. The ground shook beneath them with Voldemort's fury and power. "I AM A LORD OF THE SITH! I WILL FIND THE RING! THE RING OF ULTIMATE POWER! NEVER AGAIN WILL MUGGLES AND WIZARDS MINGLE! NEVER AGAIN WILL MUGGLES EVEN _EXIST_!"

Harry sighed and rubbed the spot between his eyebrows with his fingers. He could already feel the headache coming on. _I really should put an end to this_, Harry thought.

Voldemort was still screaming. "MUGGLES WILL BE GONE! AND I WILL HAVE POWER! ULTIMATE POWER! I WILL BE INVINCIBLE! I WILL BE THE GREATEST LORD OF THE SITH EVER! I WILL USE THE RING AS A HORCRUX! I WILL FIND MY SMOKE MONSTER! I'LL EVEN DISCOVER THE TRUTH BEHIND THE MYSTERIOUS ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO!"

Harry was exasperated with his behavior. "Roswell, New Mexico?"

Voldemort's eyes widened. "Haven't you heard?"

"Apparently not," Harry stated dryly.

"Aliens landed there!"

"Relatives of yours?" Harry questioned with a smug look.

The Dark Lord looked baffled. "No, I just want their power. Why?"

Harry finally exploded. "YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT! You can't even understand sarcasm and dry humor! It would be _kind_ to kill you!"

Voldemort looked taken aback. "But I thought this was what we did, you and I. We bicker."

"_Right_."

"Yeah, I'm just trying to buy time," Voldemort commented, knowing the jig was up.

Frustration set in Harry like never before. "I noticed." He took a moment to make the decision, but knew it was overdue.

Harry Potter reached into his robes and pulled out a muggle machine gun, and pointed it at Voldemort, a self-satisfied look on his face. "Time to die, Voldy."

* * *

**A/N: **Next time we get some action. Most likely. ;-)


	9. Siberian Broadway

**A/N:** This is most likely the second to last chapter. :( I'm very sad to say it, but we did all see it coming. But you better come back for chapter ten! Yay. Anyway, in this one, more random chaos ensues...

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Harry Potter. Nor do I own Lord of the Rings. Or Star Wars. Blehhh.

**Chapter 9**

Voldemort's eyes widened, staring at the muggle weapon, and he began muttering profanities under his breath.

Harry rolled his eyes, "I can hear that, you know!"

"How?"

Harry help out a piece of flesh-colored string. "Extendable Ears. First edition. I've had these bad boys for about two years now."

"And…um…where," Voldemort said in a tiny voice, trying to stretch the conversation as long as possible, "where did you get them?"

"Fred and George Weasley. You know your so-called 'Death Eaters' are using Weasley products in combat, right?"

"_WHAT?_" Voldemort exploded, "They're using MUGGLE-LOVER PRODUCTS?"

"Of course they are. But it's too late for you to stop them, isn't it? They've abandoned you."

"Damn that Order 66," Voldemort muttered.

"So anyway, Tom. Enough small talk." Harry pointed the gun and set it up to shoot, putting another strap of bullets across his chest incase he needed to reload. "Any last words?"

"WAIT!" The Dark Lord shouted, "This isn't a fair fight! I am defenseless!"

Harry waited a beat, and then spoke: "Don't you still have the _Force_?" He had to stifle a giggle.

Voldemort blinked slowly. "You're right…_Force_, how could I forget that? I haven't been minding the Living Force, I suppose. With the Force, I am never defenseless." He shrieked with glee.

"Or are you?" Harry asked conspiratorially. "Are you sure this Force you speak of truly exists. Or this ring you're so set on getting? Could it possibly be that you were just a defenseless man in the muggle world, attacking random muggle children with a piece of metal you claimed to be a lightsaber?"

Voldemort considered for a moment. _True, that did sound about right_…The Dark Lord sighed, "You are just trying to mess with my mind, Potter. I know you."

"You know who?"

"HA! YOU-KNOW-WHO! You fear my name Potter, just accept it!"

Harry sighed and shot him careless above the kneecap. "Shut up."

"DAMN YOU POTTER," he cried out in anguish, "I'LL NEVER WALK AGAIN!"

"Well," Harry replied thoughtfully, "If you knew anything about bullet wounds, you'd know that if you're shot above the kneecap, you _will_ walk again."

"Kthx," Voldemort responded. "Now I can still dance on Broadway!"

"If there's Broadway in Siberia, then sure, why not?" Harry responded carefully.

But Voldemort didn't seem to notice the implications of Harry's comment. "Of course there's no Broadway in Siberia, silly. That's why after I take control of Europe, I'll use my ultimate power to manipulate and corrupt New York, and become the star of every Broadway play there."

Harry blinked. "Even if the lead roll is that of a woman?"

Voldemort smiled, feeling slightly superior, and slightly touched that Harry was taking interest. "Don't you see, Harry? And actor must make sacrifices."

"_Right_. So anyway, Voldy. I've more recently decided that you're too entertaining to kill. So I've decided I'll just strip you of your powers; make you take an Unbreakable Vow that you'll never commit a crime again; make you work in a cubicle for three years, filling out TPS reports; and then, finally, I'll send you to Siberia to shovel snow for the rest of eternity."

Voldemort was silent for several moments. Then finally:

"Oh _shit_."


	10. OH DEAR!

**A/N: **It seems we have reached the end, my readers. I hope you enjoy the final chapter of this fic. Please watch for the sequal!

**DISCLAIMER: **You know.

**Chapter 10**

Tom Marvolo Riddle, more commonly known as Lord Voldemort, the Dark Lord, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who, Voldie, or society's personal favorite, Ickle Voldiekins sat at his cubicle, filling out TPS reports, without his magic to help him along.

Now that, my friend, was a challenge.

Voldemort was a bit ADD, and all those crazy numbers on the TPS reports were getting him quite distraught. But it was his last day in that office, for it had been 1095 days since he'd last seen Harry Potter, three years ago. He'd been banished into the muggle world once more, stripped of his powers for all eternity, and sent to work! IN A CUBLICLE!

Oh, how he hated the cubicle. The Dark Lord was more of a circle fan himself. _What Lord Vader would think, if he saw me like this…_

Tom hung his head in shame.

Ever since he'd started working at the office, his coworkers always gave him funny looks. Whether it was Voldemort's red eyes, slit nose, or interesting cubicle decorations (complete with a plastic Hasbro sith saber! Batteries not included), Voldermort did not know. But they continued and continued to give him odd looks, disturbing him greatly.

What he would give to have his wand back! Too be magical once more! Oh, they'd all be dead, and he's be content once more. But no, Harry Potter had to go and ruin it!

But no matter, no matter. He was going to be in Siberia this time tomorrow. He'd heard on some muggle contraption called the Enter-Net, or something like that, that the weather was nice this time of year! Blizzards with 150 mile an hour winds instead of 175!

_OH JOY!_

Voldemort finished his day at the office, skipping around merrily, humming the Imperial March under his breath, sporting a golden ring on a chain around his neck, which he was absolutely convinced was _the _ring, from the Lord of the Rings. But in actuality, he'd stolen it off an old man, before throwing him into a fountain in the park.

Lord Vader would be proud.

Voldemort pet his ring with a smile on his face, muttering sweet nothings into thin air. "Oh, my precious…"

But oh no! He was not insane.

Never, ever would Voldemort ever be called crazy.

Even if it was in graffiti on his tour.

_Damn those coworkers.

* * *

_

The next morning, Voldemort was sitting in his flat, complete with black walls and glow in the dark stars, and suddenly, he disappeared!

He apparated without doing it himself.

_POP! _

There was snow all around him! He must be in Siberia!

"Hey Voldie," Harry Potter said with a grin on his face. "How's it hangin'?"

"I'm quite alright, thanks. I would enjoy killing you in your sleep, though."

Harry simply stared. "Right. So…here's your shovel!"

The Dark Lord took it and examined it.

"Get shoveling!" Potter exclaimed.

"What do I do with the shoveled snow?" Tom questioned.

"Just put it over there," Harry nodded towards a spot about 15 feet away. "And then you can shovel _that_ pile."

"RIGHTO, MATE!"

"I'll see you next time in Siberia, Tom," Harry said with a superior chuckle.

"Soon, then?" Voldemort said with bright eyes (which was oddly disturbing, seeing as they're red), enjoying the company.

"Uh," Harry began, "Yeah, yeah, uhm…soon." Harry barely managed to contained his laughter before he disapparated.

And there the Dark Lord remained, shoveling snow, and reshoveling the snow he'd already shoveled, back and forth. For a very, very long time.

The End.

* * *

Look forward to the sequel! **_The Random, Crazy, Insane Tales of the Dark Lord Strike Back!_**


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